Genell: Hello, and welcome back to RenewHer. Today's guest is someone I've been looking forward to introducing you to.
I met Dr. Susan Edkins through LinkedIn. She was sharing thoughtful posts about grief after losing her husband, along with practical guidance for navigating the difficult emotions that follow such a profound loss .
Because we share the experience of losing our husbands, I reached out to her. We scheduled a Zoom call, and from the very beginning, our conversation felt effortless. We've stayed connected ever since.
And I wanted to invite Susan onto the podcast because she embodies something I talk about on RenewHer, beginning again. Sometimes we choose a beginning, and sometimes life chooses it for us.
Susan's story is one of those unexpected beginnings. After unexpectedly losing her husband in her 50s, Susan found herself on an entirely new path, one that ultimately led her to help other women navigate grief, major life transitions, and nervous system regulation.
As many of you know, I'm passionate about brain health, and we simply can't talk about brain health without talking about the nervous system. When our nervous system is constantly in survival mode, it affects everything from how we think and feel to how we heal.
Susan provides practical education, compassionate guidance, and beautiful meditations that help people find steadiness when life feels uncertain, overwhelming, or simply heavy. Let me tell you a little bit more about her by reading her bio, and then we'll move into her story.
Dr. Susan Edkins is the founder of Dragonfly Integrative Health and a nervous system educator, Reiki master teacher, hypnotherapist, Akashic records practitioner, and meditation teacher. After the unexpected loss of her husband in 2021, she combined her 35 years of experience in higher education and her doctorate in kinesiology with her own healing journey to help women navigate grief and life's biggest transitions. Through guided meditations, energy healing, and nervous system education, Susan helps women move from survival mode to greater calm, steadiness, and hope. She is also the creator of Calm the Overwhelm, a four-week course that teaches practical, gentle tools for working with the nervous system instead of against it.
Susan, I'm so glad you're here. Welcome
Dr. Susan Edkins: Thank you so much for inviting me to come. I'm very excited to talk with you today.
Genell: Great. Well, that's good because I have so many questions.. So let's jump in.
Dr. Susan Edkins: Okay
Genell: So, I know very recently you honored the fifth anniversary of your husband's passing, and I'm so sorry for your loss. And I'd love to begin there because in many ways, that became the beginning of a completely different chapter
Dr. Susan Edkins: Mm-hmm.
Genell: of your life.
Dr. Susan Edkins: Yes.
Genell: So before we talk about your journey, would you just tell us a little bit about your husband?
Dr. Susan Edkins: Yeah. He was an amazing man. He was a high school principal at the time of his death, but he had started as a health and physical education teacher, and he just made life so much fun. The picture that I shared the other day on LinkedIn was him wearing this, like, candy cane-looking suit, and it was at Christmastime. He was wearing it in the morning in the, in the drive-through, the carpool line, and handing candy canes out.
So I mean, that is just ... He loved to have fun, And he had this gift for making everybody feel like they were special. And when he died, obviously that left a huge hole in my life and the life of our kids. We have three boys. But I was just overwhelmed by all of the people who reached out to me, after he passed away, people who had been his students, who had played soccer.
He was a soccer coach early in his career. People who worked for him, with him. So, you know, it really made me start thinking about, what is my legacy? And am I really doing with my life what I'm meant to be doing? And so I think probably most women who have some kind of a major transition have that moment where they're not sure who they are and that is scary.
Genell: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Susan Edkins: I know that you've experienced that as well and, and probably had those moments too.
Genell: Yeah. I mean, 'Cause part of your identity is, is tied up in that.
Dr. Susan Edkins: Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Genell: And then you're like, "Okay, who am I now?" Right?
Dr. Susan Edkins: Uh, yes.
Genell: Yeah.
Dr. Susan Edkins: And I think I've had multiple iterations of who am I in the last five years., You know, you go from being a wife to being a widow, and I don't want that to be my only identity. But I do work with other widows, so it, it is an important part of, of my story. But when somebody asks me, you know, like in my healing journey, somebody asked me, "Who are you?"
I couldn't answer that question, without saying, you know, what my job is. Like I'm a mom, I'm a, a teacher, I'm a this, I'm a that. I, I didn't know who I was, and so that really started my whole, quest to figure out who I was.
Genell: So how did... Well, when it first happened, 'cause it was suddenly, correct.
Dr. Susan Edkins: Yes. Yes. Yes, he had a heart attack.
Genell: Can you tell us a little bit about that, the day that everything changed? And when it happened, did you ever imagine, and that's part of maybe the, you know, going through that who am I piece and so forth, but did you ever imagine that you could feel meaningful or joyful again when it happened:.
Dr. Susan Edkins: Probably not immediately. Like, the first couple of days I barely slept, I barely ate. I did know, like, really early on that I needed to move my body. I didn't know why, and now I know it was my nervous system, like, screaming for some regulation.
I just knew I needed to get outside and I needed to walk. And it was, you know, it was July. I live in North Carolina. It was hot as could be. So I would go early in the morning and, and walk, and I had not been doing a good job of, of being physically active before that happened. I just knew after he died that I had to keep moving.
And I was, way more productive than normal. I was really fortunate. I had a couple of good friends, who were widows who reached out to me. And then also some other friends that were like, "Okay, what do we need to get done? Let's make a list." 'Cause I couldn't even think. You know, It, it took me a couple years to understand the profound impact of the grief on my brain.
But that initially I was super productive. I was just in go mode, and I think it was partly because then I didn't have to think about it. I didn't have to deal with the stuff. I was checking stuff off my list and feeling good. I'm like, "Yeah, I got that done. I got that done." And, so it, it took me a while of being, you know, 100 miles an hour before I finally crashed.
My, my body was like, "Yeah, we can't, we can't do this anymore." And then it would take me a couple more years really to fully understand the impact, like I said, on my brain. I knew I had brain fog. I knew I couldn't concentrate, you know, but I didn't understand fully how much grief was impacting my body as a whole.
Genell: Yeah, I was gonna ask you, what did grief feel like physically, you know, for you? Because like you said, it's not just emotional.
Dr. Susan Edkins: Yeah. Yeah. So looking back, my body hurt. I just was... My body felt tight. And again, I didn't fully understand that that was related to the grief
Genell: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Susan Edkins: at the time. Uh, what I did notice when I made a connection to my body, I was going to... I, I tried a couple of different, like, traditional grief groups.
The first two were for widows specifically, and then the last one was a more, like, general one. And I realized in the second and third one that my legs would start to hurt while I was in one of the sessions. And at first, I thought it was, you know, psychosomatic. So I, I said my husband had a heart attack.
I did CPR on him. I had to run up and down stairs. Thank God we were the only two who were at home at the time. Our kids were out of town. But, you know, my legs were sore in the couple of days after because I was physically exerting in that moment, right? For the couple of hours or hour. It felt like forever. I don't think it was that long.
So I thought it was just my brain associating that leg pain. But it, it lasted and, and it would start to hurt. And I would need... Like, I would feel like I needed to move, and the last grief group thing I went to, I wanted to bolt. Like, I wanted to get up and run out of there, but I didn't want to be rude.
And, of course, it was, it was at my church, and it was like I, I was on the far side of the room, and it would've been really disruptive, so I just sat there and said, "If I can get through this, I'm never coming back to, to this group again." But my legs would hurt for the rest of the night.
So, I finally talked to my doctor, and I had a functional medicine provider, and I'm really, really grateful for her and, and that I talked to her about it because she told me that it sounded like stuck energy.
And I was like
Genell: What's that?
Dr. Susan Edkins: Okay? I don't know what that is. And so she explained, I had heard of the chakra system before, but I didn't fully understand it. And, the root chakra is the lowest. That's in your pelvis. What I've learned in the last few years is that we store emotions in our hips, particularly in our, like, unexpressed emotions in our right hip.
I didn't know any of that at the time. I had a career in athletic training, so I really understood the body and the impact of injuries and exercise. I understood all of that from a Western medicine perspective, but I didn't, I didn't realize that there were like real connections between our emotions and physical things, and that when we don't express our emotions and when we don't deal with our emotions, they can actually cause disease. And I didn't really know that then.
Genell: Right
Dr. Susan Edkins: So she asked me if I'd be open to trying Reiki, and I said, "I've heard of it, but I don't know what it is. If it's gonna help me, I'm willing to do anything." And so I tried it, and it was incredibly helpful. And that kind of started my journey. I had started meditating probably a couple months before that, and I was, appreciative of that, the assistance that gave me.
But I just, I needed another kind of bump of something more than that.
Genell: For those who might not be familiar with Reiki, could you just maybe a, short description of what it, what it is and what it did for you?
Dr. Susan Edkins: Yeah. So it's an energy modality, and it's actually one of the most researched energy modalities. They've shown how it can impact ... Really what's happening is, it's not my energy when I'm doing Reiki on somebody. It's, it's channeling it from a, a higher source, and it basically goes through me, and our, biofields interact with one another. And it's really a heart-to-heart connection.
I always set the intention that, you know, whatever happens in the session is for their highest good. And so I think even, and the, the research would show this, that, some of the sham, they call it sham Reiki, they taught actors how to do the hand positions and then had them do it, and some people felt better.
So some of it is just that human connection, between our hearts.
Genell: Okay
Dr. Susan Edkins: If you've heard of heart coherence before, our energies kind of align with one another. And if I'm calm as the Reiki practitioner and I'm channeling this calming energy, it's gonna help ... it helps release blockages. It helps realign, and it really has to do with the, the biofield.
It's, it's realigning their biofield
Genell: Okay. So
Dr. Susan Edkins: I don't know if that helps, but
Genell: yeah, no, that was good. Thanks. Yeah, 'cause I wasn't aware until the past few years as well about the ' chakras, although they've been around, they're ancient history.
Dr. Susan Edkins: I know. Exactly.
Genell: I hadn't really been aware of what they were and the impact, that they have whether it be
Dr. Susan Edkins: Yeah.
Genell: The chakras
Dr. Susan Edkins: Yeah
Genell: reiki, and, and all of those energy healing, you know,modalities.
Dr. Susan Edkins: Yeah. We're just not really exposed to that stuff and, and Western medicine I think is becoming more open, particularly with Reiki, because there are some people who are medical Reiki, like they've gone through training to provide it in a medical setting, and there's another form of Reiki called Healing Touch that a lot of nurses practice with their patients, particularly cancer patients.
And it's not curing the cancer, it's just helping alleviate. It's really good with pain. It just helped me feel so much calmer. And I think that was what was most beneficial. The very first time I tried it, I felt a shift, and I couldn't explain why, but I knew I felt better when I left that day.
I went back two weeks later and did another session, and I decided that day I wanted to learn how to do it, and I wanted to use it to help other people feel better because it made me feel ... Now, it didn't make my grief go away, and it wasn't like a magic wand or anything like that, but I definitely could feel a difference.
Genell: Cause could you feel the difference yet like physically, in your body?
Dr. Susan Edkins: I could feel a shift, and I actually could feel it while she was doing the reiki on me. My body felt like ... I felt like my legs were up in the air, and I was on my side. And I was like, "How is she doing that?" 'Cause I had my eyes closed. I opened up my eyes and I'm like, "Okay, I'm laying just as flat as I can be."
So I could just feel the energy shifting.
Genell: Okay
Dr. Susan Edkins: So I don't know. I know it sounds kind of crazy, but it helped. And at that point, I was willing to do anything that was gonna help me to feel better
Genell: I'm happy Reiki worked for you. In addition to Reiki you mentioned meditation
Dr. Susan Edkins: Yes
Genell: I'd like to spend some time talking a little bit about that cause how did you come about, if you want to say, discovering it? Is it something that you had done prior to your husband's passing? Or something that you started after? And were you open to it or were you skeptical? Or tell me a little bit about it.
Dr. Susan Edkins: Okay. I was skeptical. So I had taken my students, my college students, to a mindfulness course. We were working with somebody in the counseling center because they had, at the end of their education, they had a high-stakes exam that they had to take. And most of my students were first-generation college students and the anxiety, they all thought they were bad test takers.
And so I had sat in there with them for the mindfulness, and, my thing was I can't sit still, I can't clear my head., And, and the instructor said, "That's not what this is," that, "You don't have to do that," but I, I really didn't believe him. So that was several years before. And then one of my friends from the doctoral program that I had just completed like the year before, we were, in a group text, and they had been supporting me throughout that first year, and she's like, "I really, really think you need to try meditation."
I'm like, "I just can't sit still. I can't clear my mind. I don't have an hour." And she said, "That's not what it has to be." And she suggested an app, and she said, "Just give it a try." And I did, and the first, you know, few days were hard, but I committed to, to trying, and it got easier, and it got better, and I realized I didn't have to have a clear mind.
So when I teach meditation now, that is the first thing. I, I teach them how to, like, connect with their breath because that helps to bring you back. If your mind wanders, just pay attention to your breathing again. And then I normalize. "You're gonna have thoughts come in your mind." Sometimes they're intrusive thoughts, and I like to pretend like they're clouds, and sometimes I'll say, "Okay, thanks for popping up. I'll, I'll deal with you later." And I just kind of imagine, and sometimes I have to move 'em, you know, like use my hand and, and push 'em by. But, it has definitely gotten easier as I've practiced it.
Genell: What changed, if you will once, you started practicing it It sounds like then you started practicing it more consistently
Dr. Susan Edkins: Yes
Genell: What did you notice or how did you use it?
Dr. Susan Edkins: So the first thing that I noticed was that my blood pressure went down. I was having issues, and so I was like, "Ooh, okay." Well, I wasn't, you know, looking at that as a result, but that's a positive indicator. My heart rate went down, and so I used those physical things. I did start to feel better, but those were the first two things that I was like, "Okay, this is,
Genell: Those are big.
Dr. Susan Edkins: This Is helping me, so I'm gonna keep doing it."
Genell: Definite markers to measure by.
Dr. Susan Edkins: Yes. Yeah, biomarkers, yeah, yeah. And, and when we have scientific minds, a lot of times you need those indicators, right? That was why Reiki was so hard for me at first, you know, to understand, 'cause I didn't understand what it was doing, how it was working. But yes, those biomarkers are helpful.
Genell: So why is calming the nervous system such an important part of healing not just grief but any major life transition that you might be going through or trauma that you're holding?
Dr. Susan Edkins: So when we are in any kind of major transition, and, you know, grief obviously is, can be very significant, but losing a job, getting divorced, becoming an empty nester, all of those things have a major impact on our nervous system. And we get stuck in that fight or flight mode, and it's just... You know, our nervous system is designed to protect us, and that's, that's what it's trying to do, but it gets stuck in that loop.
And every little thing feels like it's so major, and it's, it just triggers that fight or flight response. And so it can get really hard to shift back out of it. I like to use short practices that you can do throughout the day, so when you notice that you're kind of starting to, to get triggered or to feel like you're getting dysregulated, , whatever words you wanna use, then if you can do a couple of the short practices, can just really make a big difference.
And, and that's what I like to teach because most people don't have, you know, a ton of time. Or if you're at work or you're getting ready to walk into a big meeting or whatever, you can't go and do something that takes a long time. So, you know, the short strategies really are beneficial, and that was kind of like a light bulb moment for me when I realized I could do something quick that could help shift me and then keep on moving with my day.
Genell: Mmhmm. It's through your meditation and your Reiki, cause you started as being a client a patient, if you will. So at some point though your story shifted from not only just healing yourself but then healing others.
Dr. Susan Edkins: Yes
Genell: So looking back, when did you realize maybe that your life wasn't over that there was still this other chapter waiting to be written, using these different modalities? How did that all come about?
Dr. Susan Edkins: So the first, the first time I had that thought was the second time I went for a Reiki session. And I told the practitioner at the end, I'm like, "I wanna learn how to do this, and I wanna do this to help other people." It would take me another year and a half before I started my business.
But before my husband died, if you had asked me if I was, would ever be a business owner, I would've said absolutely not. Like, that was not on, not on my bingo card, as they say. I just, had no thought of being an entrepreneur. And, so I had to get my head wrapped around it. And I was training in all these different things over that time as well. So it took me about a year and a half before I was like, "All right, I'm gonna do it."
Um, so
Genell: So did you ever, like when you were going through that deciding to go down this path cause you still are at the time were and you still
Dr. Susan Edkins: Yeah.
Genell: teach at the university
Dr. Susan Edkins: Yes
Genell: Did you ever feel too old to start something new? Did that even enter your mind or no?
Dr. Susan Edkins: You know, I don't think it did because I went back to get my doctorate when I was 51.
Genell: Good for you.
Dr. Susan Edkins: There was one other person in my cohort who was, like, maybe six months older than I was. So I had kind of gotten over the I'm too old to do something new because I spent four years, year-round getting my doctorate.
Maybe a, a few times, you know, ' cause doubt always creeps in, I thought, you know, "Is this crazy that I'm doing this?" But I've got, I have a 15-year-old son, so, I've got two older sons. We had a big gap between our second and our third. And, so I have to be, I have to pretend like I'm young even when I don't feel like it.
Um, so
Genell: I'm not saying by any means that 55 is old but sometimes when we start getting older, if you will,
Dr. Susan Edkins: Oh, yeah
Genell: You start questioning yourself
Dr. Susan Edkins: Oh, yeah,
I'm gonna be 60 in November, so yeah.
Genell: So did you when when you decided to do this, did you ever struggle with giving yourself permission to move forward? Was that ever anything
Dr. Susan Edkins: Oh, yes
Genell: that you encountered and how did you work through that?
Dr. Susan Edkins: Are you talking about from the loss of my husband?
Genell: Yes, that that's the direction I was thinking
Dr. Susan Edkins: yeah. So, I don't think I have really moved forward . At, at least not from a relationship standpoint. But I don't know because I know that he wouldn't want me to, to not be happy. I know that he would want me to, you know, find somebody else or to do something else.
We actually ... This is kind of crazy. We actually had a conversation the weekend before he died. We went to the beach. We would usually go as a family for the 4th of July, but that year we just went the two of us, and we talked about all these things that we never talked about. And one of the things we talked about
So when I look back, I'm like, "Mm, I think his, his soul knew, obviously, what was getting ready to happen," and, and he was trying to get some ducks in a row, 'cause he also tried to get his two best friends and their wives to come to the beach with us. But one of the things that he talked to me about was alternate ways to make money.
And my, academic program that I had spent 30 years building, we had found out like six months before my husband died that that program was being eliminated, and it was the reason that I had gone back to get my doctorate. So that, you know, was kind of part of our conversation, and he's like, "I really, I want you to do something else. I want you to, you know, do something that's gonna make you happy."
So we had, fortunately, that conversation. It would take me a while to remember that, maybe that specific part of it. But we definitely had talked about multiple different options, and he had even told me a couple people he wanted me to talk to about different things. And I didn't really do those things, 'cause they were all, like, teaching related.
But, you know, that, I don't need his permission obviously, but that felt like, you know, support, guidance. When I look back, you know, it just felt like it was meant to be. Not his death, but, you know, that this was okay for me to move on.
Genell: Mmhmm
Dr. Susan Edkins: I knew early that, um, maybe not that first year, but I knew that if sharing my story would help somebody else, that I was willing to do that. I was always open, and it made me feel better to talk about him so I know that makes some people uncomfortable, and some of the people that I would talk to him about him I think were uncomfortable.
But it helped me feel like he, you know, like he was still here or like, he didn't disappear when he died. So I don't know if that makes sense, but
Genell: It makes sense. And the the timing of that conversation.
Dr. Susan Edkins: I know.
Genell: Yeah. Wow, that's something.
Dr. Susan Edkins: His best friend broke his phone that, the day that we were driving down to the beach, and so he never got the messages that
Genell: Uhhuh
Dr. Susan Edkins: husband was calling and asking him to come to the beach and hang out with us, and he didn't get the messages. So he, that's, that's something that's been really hard for him.
Um, yeah
Genell: Mmhmm
Dr. Susan Edkins: It felt like he was trying to gather us all. And the weekend before that, he was with all three of our boys, and took them all to lunch, and you know, it just felt like when I look back, I can see how, like, he was tying up... Ah,, I'm getting goosebumps. Like, tying up loose ends. And you know, COVID was bad for a lot of things, but we had time at home with our, all three of our boys in different time periods during that shutdown, and I look back at that too and feel like that was part of, I don't know, part of him tying up his loose ends or whatever.
I, I don't know. I'm just really grateful that the kids had that individual time with him when we were all at home together, and much calmer and, you know, doing more things outside and just more together time. I'm grateful for that.
Genell: So, just to circle back for a second, you earned multiple certifications while teaching full-time, raising three sons, maybe even during that time getting your doctorate. I don't know. Nope, that was before, right?
Dr. Susan Edkins: That was before he died, yep. I finished in 2020.
Genell: Okay. But still, doing all of that, that's no small accomplishment. How did you manage that season of getting through that?
Dr. Susan Edkins: So our older two boys were already gone from the home. Middle son was in college, oldest son had just graduated from college, so it was just the youngest and I at home. I had some good friends who were a support system. I did struggle a lot with guilt, like if I was gonna be gone for a course and, you know, I was leaving him with somebody or sometimes he would stay home by himself.
But yeah, I, I did have a lot of mom guilt, especially early on. But I have talked to him openly and just said, you know, I'm doing this for, you know, to have a better life for us and, and you know, it's something that makes me happy. It's making me feel better. So I mean, he still struggles with it sometimes, but,
Genell: Sure
Dr. Susan Edkins: but yeah.
It, it was my support system I think. And it was different people in different seasons who have supported us. That's been really helpful. I think one of the lessons, and I don't know if you experienced this too, but I didn't realize like when you're grieving how many people all of a sudden are no longer in your life.
Genell: Yep
Dr. Susan Edkins: And that I think was one of the most shocking things to me about becoming a widow. Like the people I thought would be around weren't necessarily around and then people that I didn't really think would be there for me were there for me, whenever I needed something. So yeah, it's, it's crazy how it shifts things.
Genell: Yeah. 'cause even... Or, initially they're there, but then they kind of over time
Dr. Susan Edkins: Yeah.
Genell: It starts to fade.
Dr. Susan Edkins: It does. And I, I get it, you know, like that was the center of our world, but everybody else has their own world. But one of the pieces of advice I like to give people when they're dealing with somebody who is grieving is to offer specific things 'cause the, "Oh, call me if you need anything,"
Genell: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Susan Edkins: You're not gonna call.
Even if you need something, a lot of times you're not gonna call. So if you say, "Hey, can I bring you dinner, you know, next Tuesday?" Or, "Hey, can I, you know, hang out with your kids or can your kids go to a movie or whatever?" You know, I think that that's easier or, maybe ... Yeah, it's just easier for a widow to be able to, to accept that help.
A lot of women have a hard time accepting help anyway.
Genell: Mm-hmm. Definitely..
Dr. Susan Edkins: And then when it's open-ended it makes it even more difficult.
Genell: So far we've talked about everything you did, if you will, after your husband's death. The healing, the learning, the certifications, building your business. I'm interested, and we started talking about this a little bit at the beginning, so now I'm kinda circling back to it. I'm interested in now who you've become through this journey. 'Cause you talked about you've gone through, you know, various iterations, if you will.
Dr. Susan Edkins: Yeah
Genell: At what point, and, and through that too, at what point did you realize that maybe you weren't just surviving anymore, you were actually beginning maybe live again? Can you talk a little bit about that?
Dr. Susan Edkins: Yeah. I think it's been gradual, subtle. I don't think there's been one moment that I'm like, "Oh yeah, I feel like I'm living again." I did, probably fake it for a while, just because, you know, I knew I had my son watching me, and I wasn't trying to pretend. I let him see me cry and whatever. But, I do think that it just gradually evolved.
And as I was learning new things and trying different things, I feel like I've grown and evolved. And, and I think, you know, at my core, I'm a teacher, and that's what, caused me, or not caused me, led me to, create a course for women who are grieving or going through some major life transition, because I wanted to share some of the things that I've learned.
You know, I've kind of pulled a lot of different things together from, from my professional life and all the different healing modalities I've learned about, and I've sampled even more that I haven't, haven't learned how to do myself. But, pulling all that together to try to help women understand what's happening in their body, in their nervous system with grief or a major life transition, and then how they can start to get it more back to normal so they feel less overwhelmed and, and steadier again
Genell: It's, yeah, it's a nice tie-in. I mean, a passion of something that you've discovered and then being able to pull your teaching aspect together with that
Dr. Susan Edkins: Yeah.
Genell: and going down that road. So you mentioned, and if you are willing to talk about, a little bit about, you mentioned some of the changes or iterations of yourself.
What have you learned about yourself along the way?
Dr. Susan Edkins: Hmm. Gosh Well, I learned that, I was stronger than I ever thought that I could be.
Genell: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Susan Edkins: I can do hard things. You know, I, I can, I can persevere. I think that is really the maybe most important lesson that I learned. I also learned that I could be happy again. It was okay to grieve my husband, but to still live and to, to have joy.
And that one I think is, is hard. 'Cause again, there was guilt and, you know, I shouldn't be having fun because he's not here.
Genell: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Susan Edkins: I'll, I'll give you a, a little story. So, he was a soccer player in college, and then went on to coach early in his career. And when we first heard that the World Cup was gonna be in the US, we made a plan, you know, our whole, the older boys were gonna be grown and gone, but we committed to the whole family going to a World Cup game.
And then obviously my husband died before that happened. And my middle son bought tickets for him and the youngest to go. And he asked me did I want to go, and I'm like, "No, I, I, I don't." They were going to Atlanta. I said, "Let it be a boys' trip. I don't really like traffic. I don't really like crowds. So I'll just stay home."
Well, then I kind of regretted that I didn't get a ticket, and, one of my husband's college teammates reached out to me a couple of weeks, like, a month ago now, and said, "Hey, I've got two extra tickets to this World Cup game in Atlanta. Do you want to go?" And it was, like on the Thursday, and then the boys were going down for a Sunday game. And I said, "Let me talk to my youngest," 'cause he was gonna have to go down and back, seven-hour drive one way twice in, like, a five-day span.
And at first he's like, "I don't want to do it. I don't want to go." I'm like, "Hey, it's, it's tickets to a World Cup game. I really kind of want to go." And I just felt like I needed to be there with him to experience that. And, you know, I was sad because my husband wasn't gonna be able to go, but I was excited because I was gonna be there with him for his first World Cup game, and my first World Cup game.
And one of my friends suggested taking something of my husband's with me so it was like he was there. And I, it took me a few days to figure it out, but I actually wore his wedding ring. And obviously I had to put it on a different finger. It's on my middle finger. I've been wearing it ever since. But I have an Oura ring, and it, my Oura- ring holds it in place.
But then that way I felt like he was with us. And then actually when we sat down at our seats and I looked up, we were in section 333, and I was like, okay, well, if that's not a, a sign that, that he's here with us, I don't know what is.
Genell: So, do you want to, for those who might not be familiar with 333, can you talk a little bit about that so they can tie it together.
Dr. Susan Edkins: Yeah, so the, those repeating numbers like that, are called angel numbers. And I, again, I didn't know what that was. And I actually, it was my Reiki practitioner, I said to her, I'm like, "I don't understand, like I keep seeing 111 or 11:11." I look at the clock and it's, it was, you know, constantly. And she said, "Those are angel numbers, and that's, you know, they're signs that you're supported."
And, they have different meanings, but, to me, I usually just look at it as confirmation that I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing or, you know, that it's just a wink or a nod from, from him, that he's still around
Genell: Yeah. Yeah, again too, I wasn't familiar with the whole angel number thing until, I don't know, a couple years ago perhaps.
Dr. Susan Edkins: yeah.
Genell: A little late to the game, but
Dr. Susan Edkins: All the things, right? I've learned so much since he passed away. But I, you know, again, that scientific mind, I had to figure out, I'm like, you know, I wanted to understand where he was and what was going on and, you know, and I think the one thing that, like, was a big turning point for me was somebody, and I knew this.
We learned it in elementary school, or at least middle school, that energy is not created or destroyed. It just changes form. And one day I heard that and it clicked with me, because I thought I was losing my mind with the signs and things like that. Dragonflies were a sign for me, which is why I named my business Dragonfly Integrated Health, and why I have them all behind me.
But, yeah, I just, you know, was trying to make sense of things
Genell: Yeah. So do you think the version of Susan, of this version, I should say
Dr. Susan Edkins: Yeah
Genell: would exist had you not gone through this experience?
Dr. Susan Edkins: No. I, I 100% believe that I would not have done the things I've done the last five years if it had not been for my husband's death. And I'm, I'm-- obviously I'm not grateful for losing him. I miss him every single day. But I'm grateful that I've been able to find some meaning in my grief and be able to use it, um, to help other people and to help myself, and that was really, you know, the first thing I was-- I had to help myself first.
Um, so yeah, I am grateful for the lessons that I've learned and, and I, I do not believe I would be where I am right now had I not lost him
Genell: Yeah, it's so important, like you said, to find that meaning, and, and, and that purpose. Yeah
Dr. Susan Edkins: Yeah
Genell: You've shared so much, through your wisdom, through your experience. So I'd love to end by asking you to reflect just on a couple of things.
Dr. Susan Edkins: Okay
Genell: We talked about this a little, but has losing your husband changed the way, or how has it changed the way you live your life today?
Not just in what you maybe do, but how you live your life
Dr. Susan Edkins: I definitely feel, much more, spiritual and much more connected. I'm more purposeful and more, much more mindful. I also have tried to express much more gratitude. You know, like I think I was taking a lot of things for granted.
Genell: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Susan Edkins: And I can remember, I have this vivid memory of when my middle son was only a couple years old and I was getting ready for work one morning and I was just like, "God, is this all there is to life?"
Like, it just doesn't seem, it seems like there should be more than this. And then, you know, obviously that feeling came back as I was trying to figure out like what, you know, it was even worse 'cause it was 20 years later. What have I done with my life and have I really made the most of my time? So I, I think I'm more mindful and trying to be more grateful for the experiences that I get.
Genell: Mm-hmm. And what impact, the other question is, what impact do you hope your work has on the women who find you?
Dr. Susan Edkins: I hope it gives them some relief and, and really also lets them know they're not alone. Being a widow can be so isolating. You know, like we talked about how your friends sometimes disappear and, you know, if, if you had a lot of common friends or a lot of couple friends, that's no longer comfortable a lot of times.
So I just want women to know that there's hope and that you can be happy again, even though you can still grieve the person that you've lost. And you can feel back to yourself or reimagine somebody new. I, I, I really think probably every widow becomes somebody new afterwards.
Genell: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Susan Edkins: So it's possible to reinvent yourself even at an, even at an older age.
Genell: ' Cause it's one of those that, I mean, it's because a woman maybe either chooses to take a new direction intentionally, or like in, in your case, it was unexpected.
Dr. Susan Edkins: Yeah
Genell: But then you learn, you find out a lot about yourself
Dr. Susan Edkins: Mm-hmm
Genell: during that process and who you really are and what, and what life really means and, and how dear you hold it.
Dr. Susan Edkins: Yeah. Yeah.
Genell: Really
Dr. Susan Edkins: And they're both hard on you. You know, even if you choose a new path, it still has an impact. That transition still impacts your nervous system. Like retirement for some people can be really difficult. And, so that is something normally that we would say is a, a happy time, but it can have a similar impact on us as well
Genell: Right, 'cause it can be very stressful. I
Dr. Susan Edkins: Yeah
Genell: mean there are a lot of unknowns, a lot of the questioning
Dr. Susan Edkins: Yeah.
Genell: that happens along the way.
Dr. Susan Edkins: Yeah
Genell: Like am I making the right move? Am I doing the right thing? And all of that that goes with it. But
Dr. Susan Edkins: Yeah
Genell: It definitely takes that, that strength and, or that inner, I guess, inner strength, you know to work
Dr. Susan Edkins: Yeah.
Genell: through all that.
Dr. Susan Edkins: Yep
Genell: So before we wrap up, first, tell everyone a little bit about your new course, your guided meditations, and where they can learn more about working with you.
Dr. Susan Edkins: Okay. So the, the course is gonna launch on July 15th. It's a four-week, it's, it's live 7:30 to 9:00 PM Eastern Time. It's not four consecutive weeks, two weeks in July, two weeks in August. And I'll record, so if somebody misses one, I'll, I'll provide the recordings. And it's really gonna, it's designed to help them understand what's going on in their body and then to give them, um, practical strategies to utilize when they notice a trigger.
So there'll be some out of, out of class, not really homework, but, you know, strategies that they can implement and support. So I've got that, and if this timing doesn't work for people, I'm sure I'll offer it again in the future. But, I also have a meditation store. We can share that address.
It's a self-buy store, and it's, they would just download. So there's different meditations in there. Most of them are less than 12 minutes long. So there's, you know, if people wanna do things on their own, they have that option as well.
And going back to the course, it's not just about meditation. It's, it's gonna provide them other tools and strategies, and it's really about finding what works best for you.
They can connect with me on LinkedIn and Instagram. So I'm drsusanedkinsedd on Instagram, and I think it's just, it's susanedkinsedd on LinkedIn. And, , if they'll connect with me on either one of those platforms and send me a DM, I will send them a, a short, like a free short, meditation called A Moment of Steadiness. It is like three minutes long, but you can use it over and over again and in one of those little short micro practices.
Genell: Thank you for sharing that.
Dr. Susan Edkins: You're welcome
Genell: I appreciate that.. Before I close out, I just want to ask if there's anything that we didn't cover that you would like to make sure and mention or, or add?
Dr. Susan Edkins: I will give my email address too in case somebody has a question about the course or isn't on one of those platforms. It's susan@dragonflyintegratedhealth.com.
Genell: Okay
Dr. Susan Edkins: they can just reach out to me that way. I think that's it
Genell: All right. So, Susan, thank you so much for sharing your story with such honesty and generosity. And what I appreciate most is that you've shown us healing isn't about getting over grief. It's about really learning how to carry it while continuing to build a meaningful life. I also love that your story reminds us that, that some of our greatest purpose can emerge from our deepest pain,
Dr. Susan Edkins: Hmm
Genell: Not because you would ever choose that pain, because we choose what comes next. And this conversation to me is such a beautiful reminder that beginning again erase what we've lost. Instead, it honors it by allowing us to keep living, growing, and becoming.
So, if today's conversation resonated with you, whether you're navigating grief, a major life transition, or simply feeling overwhelmed, I encourage you to connect with Susan, and I'll make sure to include the links to her website, her social media, guided meditations and courses, all of that in the show notes.
So, thank you again for being here, and thanks to all of you for spending time with us. Remember, it's never too late to renew your body, to renew your brain, and renew your life. I'll see you next time, and again, thanks, Susan
Dr. Susan Edkins: Thank you so much for inviting me to be here. I enjoyed having our conversation.
Genell: I loved it too. Thank you so much.
Dr. Susan Edkins: I always love talking to you.